30 weeks!

Nearly 30 weeks pregnant.

I will be 30 weeks pregnant on Saturday. And boy have things changed since my last post.

I want to start by saying that I think right now I am at my very happiest in the middle of the night or early in the morning, when I wake up for no reason, am able to still my brain – it doesn’t always happen that way – and snuggle down warm in the covers while everything is quiet, with my hands on my belly feeling my baby’s strong kicks in response.

The baby is growing and so am I. This pregnancy has passed differently than my first one. Last pregnancy, Chris and I spent most of our time preparing our home and our minds for our baby’s arrival. But this time, we’ve been consumed with finding a new home for our family of five. I’m including Meeks here because he very much counts, since he’s the reason we didn’t get our dream apartment. It didn’t allow pets.

All that talk two posts ago about a sunny two-bedroom apartment in lower Manhattan? Let’s just say we have lowered our standards. Sure, we could move to another neighborhood and find it, probably, but to stay in lower Manhattan where Chris works and we know our way around and, most importantly, we know the schools, we’re sacrificing what we thought we needed and considering one bedrooms. It isn’t that we can’t afford a two bedroom, but that we can’t find an affordable two bedroom we agree on. Chris wants it to be new. I want natural light. What we are willing to give up in square footage, we apparently won’t give up in sunshine and amenities. Chris says he didn’t know he married a plant. But he did. He absolutely did. I’ll wither up and die in a dark place. I crave the sun, even from behind the clouds, with the deepest part of my soul. It’s a physical reaction that I don’t choose. It’s just who I am.

So these are the choices we’re making. And somehow, I think our babies will look back on these days, what they’ll remember of them, with joy. I doubt they’ll care they shared a bedroom with Mommy and Daddy; in fact, I’m pretty sure they prefer it.

All this searching and all these tough choices, though, have taken their toll on me. Coupled with the cold and overcast winter weather, it’s put me in a bit of a negative rut. I snap at Chris and Catherine and Meeks, then apologize, over and over again. And this is the time when Catherine needs me to be my best! After all, she’s going through lots of BIG changes, too.

I complain too much and feel sorry for myself too much and wake up in the middle of the night, those times when I am not able to still my mind, and can’t go back to sleep for hours.

Instead, I want to be dreaming of baby names and picking out crib bedding and – most importantly – savoring the last months as a family of three and contemplating my new role as a mother of two.

This weekend, we’re making a final push to find a suitable apartment so I can apply to the right schools for Catherine with our new address, and then enjoy the rest of my pregnancy with some peace of mind, and though there will be packing and unpacking to do, at least it can be done. And with just ten weeks to go, that’s what I feel the need to do – the doing.

The sun is just around the corner!

And with that off my chest, let’s so some stats.

Weight: I think I’ve gained about 20-25 lbs. Hoping it levels off now.

Sleep: Not great, but should get better after I stop stressing about our apt search.

Baby’s size: She’s a large cabbage!

Baby’s sex: She’s a sweet little girl who kicks like a boy.

Cravings: None. I wish they would arrive! Food doesn’t taste like I want it to.

Aversions: I don’t like the spicy things that I used to love.

What I miss: Running.

What I’m looking forward to: Being settled in a new home that we all love.

Best moment of the week: Besides those quiet, peaceful nighttime bonding sessions with baby…I really enjoyed Saturday, because it was sunny and mild, and we spent it outside together at various playgrounds with Catherine. It was a happy day.

More soon.