Archives for the month of: September, 2015

My first-trimester eating habits have been different this pregnancy from the last one. I still feel sick all the time, but having learned that an empty stomach is the enemy, I eat more than I did last pregnancy. And what I eat depends on that moment. At any given moment, everything will repel me except one thing that pops in my head that I feel I can stomach. Then I will seek that thing out. So there’s no way to plan ahead or bring lunch to work. I’m blowing all sorts of money buying random lunches every day, as I am completely subject to the whims of my body and that body is leading me on wild goose chases all over trying to track down the odd, often disgusting thing that won’t make me sick to think about. Even then, I can’t think about it, I just have to eat it, or I will start to develop the aversion before it’s gone. Once I’ve eaten a thing, I develop an aversion and it’s crossed off the list of possibilities forever.

Unlike last pregnancy, I do find that raw or lightly steamed vegetables (as long as I don’t have to cook or cut them) are easier on my stomach than something like chips or other carbs (which I ate last pregnancy during the first trimester). And same as last pregnancy, watery, low-sugar fruits like melon and frozen berries with fat-free yogurt are very kind to me. Any sort of fat, salt, or sugar totally grosses me out.

I can’t wait until the third trimester, when food starts to taste really amazing. I hope I crave icy, cold, fruity things like last time! Oh how I loved eating entire watermelons and slushies and frozen yogurt every day!

UPDATE – our baby is safe, my miscarriage scare was something else. So realizing just how lucky we are, I am now going to proceed to vent about how sick I feel during the first trimester. Yep – I can feel lucky and awful at the same time. 🙂

Here we go…

Any pregnant person/mom who has ever experienced not morning sickness but 24-7 sickness accompanied by exhaustion, aches and chills for the entire first trimester (I’m not even talking about the moms who experience these and other symptoms their entire pregnancies – bless them) knows that it’s a cruel joke we’re not to reveal our pregnancies to the world until the second trimester.

Who came up with this “rule” anyway? I understand being cautious, since miscarriage is common in the first trimester. I wouldn’t want to gleefully announce my pregnancy to the world only to have to painfully retract the announcement later. But why is it a rule that I can’t tell, for example, the people I work with, who, unbeknownst to them, have only just been spared the sight of puke – numerous times.

As I sit at my desk, the work piling up during intense weeks, I just wish the people around me knew. It wouldn’t be an excuse to not power through and get my stuff done, same as anyone. But I think I’d feel comforted and supported knowing that people understood the reason behind my half-open eyes and strange new eating habits.

For me, the first trimester is when I need the most support. The uncertainty and fear about whether or not this very planned and wanted and already loved baby will stick around. The dragging myself out of bed with chills and aches and trying not to throw up in the shower. The long afternoons when everything in me begs to crawl under my desk and pass out. I’m expected to bear it, and, according to many articles I’ve read on the web, actually fake feeling amazing and keep mum on my condition.

Is it just me, or does this seem ever so slightly like oppression? Many people I know stay home when they have colds. A cold makes me laugh. I might as well have an ant bite. This is like the flu except it’s not contagious and it lasts eight weeks. Why do we accept that it’s our cross to bear in silence?

I’m lucky. Beyond, beyond, beyond lucky. I’ve got one beautiful 3-year old girl and another one on the way, albeit no bigger than a blueberry right now. These symptoms are nothing in the grand scheme of things. I got through them once, and I’ll get through them this time, too.

I’m just saying that when I read articles about how we’re supposed to keep it a secret and pretend we don’t feel like we’ve been hit by a truck at work, I get mad. I’m calling BS.

We’ve had a little scare, my dear. Yesterday at work, I experienced some signs of a potential miscarriage. I was very upset, and it was hard to be at work. I called the doctor right away, and I have an appointment in a week to see how things are going. I did some reading online – it seems that what I experienced yesterday doesn’t mean that I’ll lose you. It could be nothing. So while yesterday I was feeling quite pessimistic, today I’ve decided to proceed cautiously optimistic. The first time I experienced the full force of my love for Catherine was when she was one month old, and we took her to the ER for something that turned out to be nothing. You’re only the size of an appleseed, or at least according to what I read online. But it seems we’ve been brought a little closer already.  Hang on, dear little being.

Hello, my darling! Welcome. To my womb, anyway. Don’t worry. I could never forget about you. I’m going to document your time in my tummy, just like I did for your big sister. Speaking of whom – Catherine, at 3 years old, demands quite a bit of my attention. So does work. And your daddy! But you’re always on my mind, and I steal moments to focus on just you. Like right now.

I found out about you in the public restroom at Hardings Beach on Cape Cod. It was too early to test, but I was so excited I made your dad stop by the store on the way to the beach for an early pregnancy test. I went straight to the bathroom on the beach! When I saw the faint little line appear, a big, happy smile spread across my face and I just stayed in the stall for a little while basking in my new, thrilling secret – YOU.

I’m just four weeks and 3 days pregnant. You’ve been with me a very short while. I’m a mother of two now. I love you already.

The next 9 months will be long, Baby – because I’m so very excited and ready to meet you, my angel.

Love,

Your Mommy