UPDATE. This post was published a couple weeks ago but taken down that day because I wanted to edit something…then I never got around to publishing again……

I was doing a little thinking.  Well, actually, reading.  The other day, my new friend at work asked me if I kept a blog.  I told her about my old food blog, the one I abandoned about 2 years ago.  I also told her about this blog, with the disclaimer that it was embarrassing.  All this telling about my blogs got me curious…what exactly had I written?

So I read some posts on this blog.  And I cringed a little.  What’s my deal?  Lately I sound cheesy, overly sentimental, at times defensive, and…rushed.  That last part is no wonder.  When do I EVER have time to actually write something coherent these days?  But the other stuff, where did that come from?

I think I know.  From the time I announced my pregnancy I began to get all kinds of “ohhh just you wait” depressing advice.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t want to be the sort of mom that complained about the burden of motherhood.  I’ve always liked to be optimistic.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get scared and express that.  It just means in the end, I choose to believe it’s all going to be perfect.  As a result, I went out of my way to prove “them” all wrong.  I rarely admitted, even to myself, that sometimes it wasn’t fun.  I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad quality.  Sometimes, what you choose to believe and how you choose to perceive things is what they become.

The other reason for my defensiveness though, is that sometimes I feel judged for my choices.  I feel the need to apologize for breastfeeding past a year, or for being wary of what sort of plastic containers or toys my baby is exposed to, or for caring about GMOs.  Some people just don’t care about these things, possibly because they haven’t done the research I have.  Or, possibly because they believe it’s all hype.  There’s a part of me that thinks it may be, and maybe one day we’ll realize how silly we were to spend extra money for organic and “non-toxic” toys.  For goodness sake, shouldn’t the word “toy” imply that it’s non toxic?  Yet, science seems to say otherwise, and I shouldn’t be such a people pleaser that I feel the need to apologize for these choices, and I especially should not shy away from owning my most deeply held beliefs and sources of pride, like my decision to continue breastfeeding as long as Catherine and I deem appropriate.  If I didn’t care so much what others thought, I wouldn’t be so defensive and I wouldn’t spend my posts trying to argue my case.

So I defiantly say how smoothly things are going, how perfect it all is, my underlying message being how wrong they all were.  I guess I showed them. 🙂

Here’s the thing.  I always will choose to believe I can do it.  That the rough days aren’t so bad.  I think it’s a smart approach, to a certain extent.  At times, I’m deliriously happy.  At moments, I’m at my wits end.  Some weeks – like this one – are rough, and I complain a lot to my husband.

Anyway.  It feels good to have an honest moment.  Since I’m being honest, I think something may have to give.  It only took a few days of work for me to realize I will be a working mom.  I loved it.  Oh,  I know just how lucky I am to truly love what I do!!!  But while some weeks go smoothly, others I drive myself insane trying to do it all.  Those weeks, I need to be at peace with peanut butter and jelly and cow’s milk.  I didn’t pump tonight and it felt great, but I feel guilty, too.  Yeah – I’ve still been pumping nights and weekends to be able to send Catherine to school with breast milk for her sippie cup.  I felt quite proud of myself until I realized I might be doing more harm than good since it was taking its toll on me.  But I’m having a hard time letting go.

I read a few old posts from my food blog, too.  I used to be so fascinated with each simple ingredient.  While I don’t have the time to devote to a food blog that I used to, not even close, I have a feeling that if I can stop trying to do it all, I might somehow end up doing a lot more.