Catherine is staying with her nanny again for a few hours this morning.  Just another session to help ease her into this “being away from mommy” thing.  But it’s not sitting well with me.  I think I should have waited until I actually went back to work before doing this.  I don’t like the quiet, I’m nervous that she isn’t being good for the nanny, that she’s crying, not sleeping, that we’re wasting precious pumped milk that could have been frozen for a day when we really need it…

Then there’s the little red bump on her forehead that I forgot to explain to the nanny – the nanny’s name is Juliana, so let’s just call her that from this point on – so now Juliana is probably wondering what kind of mother I am.  This morning, while I was getting ready Catherine showed me that she has outgrown her little seat by tipping out of it and bumping her head on the floor.  Don’t worry, the seat is low to the ground and I caught her as she did it.  But she was so upset and wrapped her fingers tight around the bar of the seat as if to save herself and I had to pry them off before I could pick her up off the floor and hug her.

I have separation anxiety.

It will be easier when I’m working.  Right now it feels so pointless.  I should be using this time to do something amazing, something I can never do unless she takes a very long nap.  Instead I spent the first hour walking in circles around our house feeling anxious.  I went to Starbucks and bought a tea.  I always go to Starbucks with Catherine in the little baby carrier getting a bird’s eye view of everything we do, together.  I actually got tears in my eyes thinking about it while I paid.

Yes, there definitely needs to be a damn good reason to leave my baby.  I can’t do this anymore until I actually start work.  Chris and I went on a date and left Catherine with James and Margaret and I felt great!  I couldn’t believe how nice it was to be out eating dinner with grownups and having a grownup conversation!  Of course, by the end of the night I was very anxious to get back to her, but at least I had a purpose and something to do while we weren’t together.

I don’t know why I chose the morning to drop Catherine off.  She always takes her nap around 9:30, and I dropped her off at 9:45.  Awesome.  So, I left Juliana with an overly tired, cranky baby to put to sleep in a strange place.  Why didn’t I just wait until after her nap???  Maybe Juliana is regretting accepting this position.

I also don’t know why I haven’t already typed up a sheet of instructions – including Catherine’s schedule, preferences, quirks, etc., to make sure things go smoothly.

Signing off to go pump…

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