I realized I hadn’t told our story, of how we learned we were pregnant. Everyone loves a good “how I found out we were pregnant” story, right?  Or maybe that’s just me.

Anyway.  To really tell the story, I have to first go over what I call The Biological AffectThe Biological Affect is what happens when your body, your subconscious, speaks to you.  It does not listen to logic or circumstances.  It does not care what you think you want.  It has its own mission and you are barely aware and certainly have zero control over it.

It’s like this.

Used to… say, back when I was in college, for example… I LOVED getting my period.  Sounds weird, but it wasn’t that I loved dealing with it.  It was because every time I saw that streak of red (sorry if that’s TMI but this IS a pregnancy blog) I sang Hallelujah and did a little dance because it meant I was not pregnant.

Never mind that I was on birth control, that I practiced safe sex, or that I might not even be having sex at the time.  You just never knew!  And oh how I did not want to get pregnant.

One day, that all changed.

Maybe it started a couple of years ago, I don’t know.  In fact, it could have started around the time my precious, beloved niece Abby was born.  But regardless of the fact that getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind or agenda, each time I started my period I no longer rejoiced.  Instead, I felt an unexplainable tinge of disappointment.

Now – I did NOT want to have a child!  I was in no position to have one.  I definitely didn’t want the responsibility.  I found plenty of joy just in getting to know my new niece.  And, I’m a romantic.  I was much more focused on finding my life partner, getting engaged and married one day (I was in no hurry for that either though).

So why the disappointment each month?  Because of my little friend, that other part of my split personality… The Biological Affect.

Anyway, so I meet my man (the one who, the night I went out and met, I’d stood in front of my mirror applying my mascara and I said out loud to myself, quite calmly and confidently, “I am going to meet my husband tonight” and I’ve never said that as far as I remember before going out, except maybe when I was in high school or college and really stupid.  In fact, I was going out on a whim to meet friends briefly with no intentions of even scanning the room for potential dates – see, more subconscious in effect).  Anyway, so I met him, and low and behold I guess I’m a psychic.  I was immediately smitten.

But I – we – still weren’t ready.  We weren’t in a rush.  What was the hurry?  We were slowly getting to know each other.  We were both transitioning through our own, different, life circumstances.  We both came from other relationships with different, stubborn expectations.  I was fully intrigued and I’d never been with anyone so beautiful and funny.  Or, who could make me so mad.  Who pushed me and challenged me so much.

Slowly, eventually, I realized that we really would, one day, get married and have a family together.  But again, there were things that ought to happen before we did.  I mean, everything had to be perfect.  We should each be rich.  We should have no issues or problems at all.  I should be at my ideal weight and have rock hard abs.  I should probably publish my first novel first and Chris would need to reach the tip top of the corporate ladder so that he could use his bonus to afford my Tiffany’s engagement ring… and so on.

Meanwhile, we watched Teen Mom every Tuesday night at 10pm.

We stole my now 2-year-old niece away for a weekend, and when she had to go home, there was an empty hole in my heart.  I missed her so much.  I still don’t think my sister even realizes the extent to which I missed her baby.  Chris kidded me, “We need to get you one of those.”

Then one day… two months ago, actually… I waited for my period and it didn’t come.

Stay tuned for Part II.